I’m not
good with metaphors. And honestly speaking I don’t think I’m good at anything
at all. Excuse me for saying such things. Maybe this is just me in my moment of
weakness, no, let me rephrase that, me in my month of weakness. July wasn’t a
very good one for me. There was always a time when I find myself crying at
night or a time when my mood takes a turn for the worst. I know it’s August now
but still I’m writing about the past month since I don’t think I would have
been able to pull myself together if I wrote this at the exact time of my month
of weakness.
Anyway,
going back to the metaphor thing. The title of this entry is some kind of a
metaphor. It’s been years, 3 or 4, since I last thought of falling for a
person. It really does hit you from a place and a time you least expect it,
it’s random and spontaneous you don’t even know why you feel that way. For
years I never thought of falling again because I keep thinking I’ll never be
good enough for anyone. Honestly, I f I start talking how insecure I am it will
eat me up alive, the darkness will surround me you won’t even know who you’re
talking to anymore. So I decided years ago to trap the side of me that falls in
love. I threw her into a room, chained her to a chair, turned off the lights,
and padlocked the door. She shouldn’t be able to get out of there, night
blindness, but for some unexplained reason she got out.
She got
out a month or months ago. But I didn’t
want to accept that fact. I kept saying to myself, to everyone around me, and
even to you that it was never going to happen. That I’ll prove everyone wrong
and that I’ll never hear them say “I told you so” but it freaking happened. I
tried running away from it. I ran as fast as I could but things just kept
happening one after another that makes me realize why I have stuck around even
when I’m being attacked and hurt. Why I didn’t want to leave you. Why I chose
to stay, right here behind you to catch you and help you up again when others
bring you down. I ran and ran and ran so that she wouldn’t be able to catch up
with me but then I tripped. And now she’s here again.
The
last thing I wanted to do was to tell you. But what happened? I still did. I
didn’t want to tell you because I’m afraid that it might change things. The
situation is complicated enough as it is I didn’t have to add up another thing
into the mix. Even if you ask me why you, I honestly don’t have an answer to
that. Or maybe I have at the back of my head I just can’t put it into words. I
don’t really expect you to love me back. I don’t expect anything. I’m happy
with what I have now.
Even if
it hurts I’ll stay here. I don’t care about what other people say anymore,
what’s important is that those who actually were willing to listen understood
me. Those people out there don’t know the real story so they better mind their
own damn business. This is how I feel at the moment and I just want to treasure
it for now. Let it stay there, not suppress it just yet. What will happen next?
Only time could tell.
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