We
all wait for this so called “perfect moment.” The right timing as some of us
would rather phrase it. But how do we really know if the time is right? Why not
simply do things for the heck of it or jump and take a leap to say what you want
to say? Do something risky once in a while because we’ll never know if we would
ever get the chance to do so again. We wait for signs from the universe or
stuff like a perfect setting but what if there won’t come a sign or the perfect
setting won’t be there?
I
regret being a person who waited for the “perfect moment” as we call it. I had
my chance and I missed it, right in front of my eyes everything that could have
been passed by in a blur. Everything that could have been now has a possibility
that it would never be. To understand what I’m saying I’m going to tell you a
little story about my biggest regret in my life so far, or worse it could be
the biggest regret of my life and nothing else can top it for the years to
come.
*
I
first met her on one of our classes that we shared together. I met her through
a mutual friend. To say I fell in love at first sight would be a lie as my
initial reaction when I met her was that we would never get along. But I was
wrong, we actually were able to get along. There were a couple similarities
between us but still it was not enough for the two of us to be really close
friends.
We
started hanging out even after class two months after we first met. Sometimes
we were joined by our mutual friend but there have been a lot of instances when
it was just the two of us. Little by little I got to know her and little by
little I started to develop feelings for her. Not the feeling of being like the
big brother she misses so much but the feeling of always wanting her by my side.
Holding her hand without wanting to let go. Being there for her, protecting
her, being the person she runs to when she’s troubled, and being so much more
to her than just her friend.
I
couldn’t get myself to tell her about my feelings because of the fear of her
not having the same feelings or not even considering having the same feelings
for me. I was afraid that if I tell her she might distance herself from me. But
as the days go by I fall deeper, harder in love with her. The feeling inside of
me is becoming overwhelming that I wasn’t sure if I could hold it in any
longer. But I held on, every single time I’m about to slip I distract myself
with something else.
She
is far from perfect but she is everything I could ever ask for. The way we are
so comfortable with each other and the way we just understand each other. I
hold on to a speck of hope that maybe she feels the same way, something I would
never know if I never ask or if I don’t tell her about my own feelings.
I
got some advice from my friends and they told me it’ll be better if I take the
risk and tell her. After all, there’s a big chance she might feel the same way
about me with the amount of time we get to spend together there’s hope that she
might have also fallen for me. I was debating whether to tell her or not even
after all the advice I got. But then our mutual friend came to me and said that
she said that she might be developing feelings for me, because I make her feel
good and whenever we’re together she feels really happy even after a stressful
day of classes.
I
decided to make the perfect setting, the perfect moment, the right timing. I
made dinner reservations at her favorite restaurant and ordered the food that
she loves. I wore my long-sleeved shirt that she always complimented and styled
my hair the way she liked it. Everything was going according to plan and I had
a feeling things will go really smoothly.
I
sat on a bench on the road side while waiting for her. She didn’t want me to
pick her up as she said she was going to make a quick detour at a friend’s
place so we simply decided on a place to meet up. I saw her at the other side
of the road with her phone in hand, she sent me a message that said she was
almost there. After I read it I looked back at her direction, she placed her
phone inside her bag.
As
I looked at her I couldn’t think of anyone who mattered most to me than her. I
have never felt this way about anyone ever. I thought of a lot of things I
wanted. Things like making her feel important, making her feel that someone out
there cares for her more than anyone else, and make her believe that someone
loves her for who she is and she doesn’t need to change anything about herself.
But
all that passed by me in an instant. I was looking at her closely but even I
wasn’t able to see it. I stood up from where I was seated and ran where she was
lying, unconscious, at the middle of the road. She didn’t see it coming and
neither did I. It was like the jeepney came from nowhere. Things happened so
fast it was hard to comprehend if it was her fault or the fast moving vehicle’s.
I
held her in my arms while I screamed for help. My hands were shaking and so was
my voice, even when I could dial the emergency number I had a random stranger
helped me as I couldn’t talk. Everything happened so fast I didn’t know what to
do.
*
And
now, a year after, she’s still in a coma. I sit here holding her hand, waiting
for her to wake up. I come here every single day after my classes and the whole
day on weekends. I practically live in her hospital room. I keep waiting for
her to respond to my stories, her family’s stories, and even to the nurses who
comes in and talks to her when I’m asleep.
I
waited for the perfect moment but it slipped right in front of me. I would
never get the chance to tell her how I feel and I would never get the chance to
know how she felt.
Her
family is tired of waiting. I don’t want her to suffer any further damage,
seeing the medication she is put on and all these needles on her body makes me
feel like when she wakes up she’ll be under a lot of pain. And as it was
decided, we gave our consent for the doctor to pull the plug. Get her out of
her life support and make her rest in peace.
I
regret not being to tell her about my feelings but that’s not the only heavy
weight that I lift on my shoulders. The guilt for her death is the most
unbearable thing that I fell right now and it will never go away. “If only”
situation passed by my mind every single day of my life. If only I didn’t ask
her to go out that day. I only I had picked her up at her friend’s place instead.
If only we chose a different location to meet up.
We
shouldn’t always wait for these so called perfect moments or perfect timings.
We’ll never know how much time we have to convey the message that we want to.
The here and now should be so much more important and we should hold it dearer
than the future.
For
the rest of my life I will bear this regret and guilt. I lost the only person I
wanted to care about the most in the world without ever having to make her feel
it. I will go on living my life for her, keeping her in my mind and my heart.
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