{fiction} Baggage

Earlier today I was lying down on my bed doing nothing...well if you count listening to music as doing something then let me rephrase that, I was lying down in my bed while listening to music. I didn't feel like doing anything (hello miss lazy ass) at all. The weather was gloomy and I could hear the sound of thunder. I said to myself "I should write something later" and the outcome of my brainstorming earlier led to this:

I ran my fingers through your hair as you caressed my face. Our eyes planted looking directly at each other as if nothing else in the world mattered. I took your free hand and intertwined it with mine and as I did you smiled, your warm tender smile. Everything seemed perfect, felt perfect. Like nothing could ever go wrong.

And then…

My alarm clock went off and I woke up, alone in my bed.

I miss those days when I wake up and see you right beside me. Having breakfast that you made while I was in the bath. I miss simply having you by my side, doing nothing and saying nothing. Sometimes you don’t even need words, as long as you’re together. I miss you.

As much as I want to go back, as much as I want to be with you again. I can never make it happen, even if I could I wouldn’t even try. I can see how happy you are, happier than when we were together. I messed up. Words are not enough to express how much I regret what I did. As much as I want to hold you again and this time never let go…I can’t. With this fear inside of me of having you go through the same pain I put you through again.

Every single day I think of you. I’m living in the shadow of my past. I still can’t move on, I can’t move forward. I just want to go back to the way things were before. But that’s me thinking only of myself. I can see that you’ve moved on, that you’re happy. That he makes you happy. You’ve buried the pain of the past in your memories and moved on with your life. After all, it has already been years and you deserve better.

I love you. I always have and I always will. But letting you go is not enough, being happy for you is not enough. Because I really do love you from the bottom of my heart, I should stop living in the past and move on with my life. If I do that, the guilt that you told me that was still a heavy feeling for you will go away. I don’t want you to feel burdened, I want you to let go of the baggage in your life that’s making it hard for you to go further…me.