{non-fiction} At a Crossroad

I wrote this on May 5, 2013 at around 2:30am. I couldn't get myself to sleep for some reason even I don't know. I am aware that i always have trouble sleeping at night but for the reason, I don't have a clue. Or maybe the reason is lying there at the back of my head but I just can't seem to put it to words or I'm afraid to put it to words, I'm afraid of thinking about it because...because I just am. I don't know why and I feel like I don't want to find out.

Just like any other night when I have trouble sleeping I decided to write. But I couldn't think of anything fictional last night so I decided to write something else.

This one's for you. You know who you are so I'm not going to say your name, not to the person reading this and not even to my friends. It shall stay as our little secret. After reading this again this morning I'm not even sure if I did express what I wanted to or if I am able to get a message across with this. But still, I hope you'll get the point.

I’m not one to make promises and when I do I try my best to keep it. That’s just the way I am. I find promises as really important things and I know how much trust it takes for a person to give and how much trust is received when making promises. I also know how much it hurts when someone breaks a promise. It’s as if in a snap of a finger something inside of you breaks. And it gets a little hard to trust that person’s word again, the word of a person who broke a promise.

I told you we’d face the world together. That I’d stay by your side whatever decision you will make. Though really the facing the world together part was said for fun but I meant it. I promised you that because I’m your friend. You trust me and I trust you. You presented a crossroad where we’ll have to choose which path to take, the path to go back or the one to go forward. I told you that the decision is up to you and as I said I’ll be there for you no matter which one you choose.

At that time I lied and I’m sorry. I did have a choice. But I know it was different from yours. I didn’t want my choice to affect yours so I said that I didn’t have a choice. I knew you’d be choosing to go back even before you told me about your choice. But I chose to move forward. But it doesn’t mean that I’ll be breaking my promise, I won’t. I’d still be on your side supporting your decision but it’ll be from a distance, literally and figuratively from a distance. I’m still here and I’ll always be here.

What we have is not something I would want to lose. This friendship that we have is precious to me but I know that in your mind you probably think you’re just another one of my many friends I always talk to you about so it wouldn’t hurt that much if I lose you.

I’m telling you now that what you’re thinking about is wrong. It actually hurt when you told me that it wouldn’t hurt so much if I lose you since I have many friends. I never thought that after all we’ve talked about you were still able to say something like that. I’m not good at expressing how much a person means to me so I choose to make them feel that they matter. Turns out I couldn’t get my message across to you. So if you’re reading this now, somehow you found this and decided to read it, I hope now you know that just like all the other friends I talk to you about you’re just as important as them to me.

I don’t know, maybe I’m good at expressing myself through writing but never when personally speaking. I hope with this I’m able to get a message across.